How I Healed After A Break Up Without Dating (and built the most incredible relationship with myself)
Last month, I “celebrated” 3 months of strict no dating or pursuing anyone romantically. I shared this celebratory “win” with a few friends (most of whom laughed at me because 3 months is really not a whole lot of time). But for this serial dater, 3 months is an eternity and I am both proud of myself and wondering why mandatory breaks between relationships aren’t encouraged or celebrated more often (k, maybe they are, but I clearly chose to scroll by those articles in the past …).
In any case, after ending an intense 8 month relationship this past October, I decided to commit to a minimum 3 month no-dating sabbatical. This was going to be entirely different than how I ever healed from a break up before (which, was typically by hopping on a dating app shortly after and void-filling through the attention and validation from new prospects).
Side note: before you start thinking I’m a jerk for hopping on dating apps so quickly after the end of a relationship, know that someone’s urgency to move on from a relationship has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them (me, in this case) and their inability to be alone, or sit in their shit.
While I was nervous, I knew if I wanted to truly heal and start calling in the juicy, aligned life-mate partnership I’ve always dreamed of, I couldn’t keep repeating my same patterns.
I couldn’t just end a relationship, hop on a dating app right after to fill the painful void of being alone. I was going to need to sit in my shit, and with myself – and heal properly.
It makes total sense why people rush past this very important step. It’s also the reason why people emotionally eat. Emotions can be scary to look at if you weren’t raised in an environment where showing emotion was celebrated. And, so, instead, when the uncomfortable feeling of an emotion like sadness, anger or frustration pops up, instead of leaning in to listen and see what it’s trying to tell us, we turn to food because food is the fastest acting way to experience relief (or dating apps, in this case). But, the relief is always temporary.
It’s easier than ever to run from what you don’t want to face. Within seconds, you can download an app, get your swipe on and have your brain bombarded with feel-good dopamine and serotonin.
But the feel-good affects are always temporary (just like the numbing, relieving affect of emotional eating). At the end of the day, the only way to move past or over something, is to move through it. You’ve got to feel it, to heal it (highly recommend doing so with a support system in place – more on that soon).
I knew that if I wanted to find myself in the relationship I dreamed of, I was going to have to spend some time on my own to properly heal and really look at what I was using serial dating to run from.
Because it’s when you look at the things you’re trying to control, be it food, your body or relationships, that you can really see what you’re trying to run from.
Side note side note: In case you’re wondering why I’m using my professional platform to write what might otherwise be seen as a diary entry, I want to share this because it mimics the same reason people turn to food or to diets to gain a sense of control of worthiness. In my case, you’ll see how a feeling of “not enoughness” throughout my life caused me to turn to dating apps and dating people even if I knew they weren’t what I really wanted; just like a feeling of “not enoughness” can cause someone to turn to extreme exercise habits or food restriction in the pursuit of thinness and weight loss.
How I Processed My Break Up Without Dating (aka void filling)
Did you see me dancing around to moody music, or in the midst of an intense emotion-filled run, or journaling, or getting back in touch with my body and sexuality on my Instagram Story? Yep, that was me – processing my break up without dating.
Like any break up, I experienced some of the classic symptoms:
Extreme sadness
Crying (LOTS of crying)
Mood fluctuations (on top of the world, then down in the dumps)
Loneliness
Insomnia
Some of the other symptoms I experienced, that aren’t always common but can occur, are severe depression, anxiety and loss of appetite (which, is interesting, as in the past, my appetite would increase and I would turn to food for comfort.
Again, it makes SO much sense why people are quick to want to move on, turn to dating apps or external sources of comfort after the end of a relationship because the after math of emotions can be so intense and painful to sit in if you don’t know how to sit with those emotions. If you struggle with sitting in uncomfortable emotions too, I highly recommend listening to episode #63 of The Fill Your Cup Podcast.
It also makes sense why healing without using dating as a bandaid can be extra intense and affect your mental health, as it did mine. All my life, since I knew how to, I’ve used dating and validation from romantic partners to fill my voids.
Healing from a break up without using dating or external validation to “heal” essentially starved my brain of the feel-good dopamine it was used to, and was one of the big contributing factors to the deep depression I fell into.
This is why it’s so important to make sure you have a solid support system in place while healing after a breakup, including therapy (I really regret not doing this immediately after), friends, family and a solid self-care routine to lean on.
The recommendations I’m going to share below that helped me to truly heal are what worked for me personally. And I should define what I mean by “worked”, because “worked” doesn’t mean that I moved through this breakup swiftly and with ease. Like, let’s get real here – this thing threw me into a deep depression haha (that’s dark humour for ya).
What I mean by “worked” is that these are the things that truly helped me to heal – on my own, with no other person’s validation but the validation I could give myself. These are these things that helped me to heal and come back home to myself.
My Healing Tools
Note: I’m sharing these healing tools in the order that I pursued them, not in the order of priority of what I’d recommend, but I’ll put a *** next to the ones that were most impactful for me.
1. Movement ***
Movement is so helpful to move through big emotions. I mean, look at the word “emotions” – “emo” in “motion”. They’re meant to move and need to be moved to be processed. For me, that looked like dancing, running, stretching, yoga and walking***. SO. MUCH. WALKING. But, I truly love it. It’s become a non-negotiable mental health habit for me to get out of bed and head out on a 30-45 minute walk. I look forward to plugging in a podcast and strolling through the local forest, and it feels good to move and stretch out my body after sleeping.
2. Screaming
Remember how I said emotions like to move? They also like to be moved through your voice. Screaming or grunting or punching a pillow is SO incredibly healing. I think it’s especially healing for women who are taught not to express anger because it’s not “lady like”. Suppressed emotions bottle up into big emotions. Scream. Let. It. OUT!
3. Self-Love / Masturbation
In 2020, I committed to having the best sex of my life with romantic partners and myself. So, when I found myself on my own and committing to a minimum 3 month no-dating hiatus, I had no other choice but to cultivate my own pleasure. This was super healing for me. Not only are there many stress relieving and nervous system soothing benefits to self-pleasure and touch, but it is hella liberating to give yourself an earth-shattering orgasm (!!!!).
And this is where we take a mini break from this post for me to profess the love I have for the Womanizer Duo. I SWEEEEEEEARRRRRRRR by this toy. In Rach language, it’s both a “clit sucker” with a vibrating dildo. In “proper” language, it uses Pleasure Air Technology to gently caress the clitoris with rushes of air pressure and suction, while deep, rumbly vibrations focus on the G-spot within.
It is the toy I both use for foolproof-orgasms (hands-free, because you can essentially mount it inside of you, sit back and relax – perfect for us single folk) and the toy that taught me how to communicate what I need in a sexual setting with partners.
I can’t recommend the Womanizer Duo enough. Worth every freaking penny! If penetration is not for you, I have many friends that have raved about the Womanizer Premium.
4. Inner Child Healing
I had a lot of healing to do after my relationship ended and knew I couldn’t do it alone. Since I wasn’t doing therapy at that time, I decided to sign up for Ginger Dean (@lovingmeafterwe's) Inner Circle Membership. Admittedly, I’ve been signed up for about 3-4 months and haven’t made my way through too much of it (too many other things on the go!) but one of the most valuable aspects of the group, aside from the incredibly insightful webinars, PDFs and homework assignments, is the private facebook group where you can connect with other women who are on a similar journey as you.
I’ve also done a ton of inner child healing from Kathryn Ducey’s teachings (you can hear from her in episode #81 of The Fill Your Cup Podcast where she talks about Inner Child Healing here) and I will be kicking off Inner Child Healing Coaching with her this February!
5. Journaling
I’m not a huge daily journaller (aside from my Take Note Journal) , but I find journalling to be really helpful when I’m moving through big emotions, especially on my own. It felt so good to just put pen to paper, without shame of who was going to read it, and just pour out all of my frustration, anger, fear and sadness.
6. Friends + Family
Friends and family – what would we do without them? Leaning on friends and family after a breakup is huge, to say the very least. Sometimes I would even message a close friend and say “I’m wanting to text XYZ right now but I know I only want to do so for validation, so instead I’m texting you” and simply putting that into words was enough sometimes, and would usually lead into another conversation that would get me thinking about something else. But seriously, lean on your people – they’ll be there to catch up.
7. Therapy
I was a bit late jumping on the therapy train. I had just finished up 5 months straight of weekly therapy via BetterHelp Online Therapy a month prior to my breakup and felt like I wanted a break to put some of what I learned in practice. I decided to continue doing that after my breakup, which was a mistake in hindsight. I wish I talked to someone immediately, and sometimes I wonder, if not doing so, was part of what contributed to my mental breakdown.
Therapy has been super helpful though since I started it again in December – no surprise there. Even though I always think we’re going to talk about the “thing” (the break up), we always end up talking about something else, which I don’t know why I’m surprised. I know, from the work that I do in helping women heal their relationship with food that it’s not about a “food issue” – it’s always about something deeper.
8. Nature / Forest***
There are no words for how healing it has been to reconnect with nature. My forest walks have brought me back home to myself and helped me to build, what I would describe as, the beautiful relationship I have with myself today. When I’m in the forest, I talk to myself, I talk to the trees, I hug trees, I sit, I lay, I meditate, I sing. When I’m in the forest, I’m reminded that everything I seek in this human life cannot be found in external things or people; it can only be found and cultivated within myself. And I think there’s no better lesson and gift than that after a breakup and an intense mental health challenge.
9. Podcasts
Even though I have an award-winning podcast (tune in and follow it over here if you haven’t yet), it had been a while since I tuned into other podcasts. But with the new increased amount of time I had on my hands and my desire to escape the thoughts in my head for just an hour reunited me with podcasts and reignited my love for them.
I found podcasts to be really helpful to tune into episodes that provided insightful information for what I was going through, but also because podcasts inspire me and that inspiration got me excited about life again. After a breakup, you can feel pretty low. Even though I knew this relationship would have an expiry date due to our varying wants in life, it still knocks you down. Podcasts helped to reignite that zest for life, and listening to podcasts that provided inspiration and information as to how to go about cultivating the dreamy, juicy life I want to lead helped to pick me up off my feet.
Some podcasts I’ve been loving are: On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Almost 30, The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes, Goop, The Papaya Podcast, Armchair Expert and Mark Groves.
Update on How I’m Doing (and my dating life)
Wow, I just looked at the date and it’s officially been 4 months since my breakup to the day (funny how we remember “the day”). However, it hasn’t exactly been 4 months since I haven’t dated because I am back in the dating game!
I did complete my 3 month no-dating commitment, which was surprisingly easier than expected. In fact, when I reactivated my dating app after the 3 months (the only way to date during a pandemic), I had it activated for 48 hours before pausing it again for another 3 weeks. I found it was consuming too much of my energy and I also found I was really enjoying being on my own and fostering the relationship with myself (who would’ve thought?!).
While I haven’t necessarily “arrived” at a place of infinite love for my solidarity and need no one in this life but myself, I do feel like I have a much healthier relationship with myself than I did 4 months ago, and ever before for that matter. I’m continuing to do therapy and inner child healing work, while starting to date again simultaneously because I do want to start calling in my life partner and start taking steps towards having a family (oh shit, I just put it in writing – I guess the manifestation starts now!).
Speaking of dating, there have been exciting updates on the dating front …
Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT dating my forest friend Kevan who you might have seen in my Instagram Stories (haha!), but I’m having a great time seeing the amount of click throughs on his username on Instagram handle from the people who think I am.
But the exciting news is, I have opened myself up to dating women, along with men. I lightly danced around this back in June 2020 when I shared on Instagram that I’m not 100% straight. I don’t know what to call myself. The only labels that resonate with me right now are “queer” and “fluid”. I just know I’m not super straight haha.
It feels exciting to own this part of myself that has always kind of been there and is another big step in my intuitive living journey to live as authentically and true-to-myself as possible. I am also very privileged to come out and say this with relative ease, being a white, cis-gendered woman. I know, for many, it does not feel as safe to come out and I feel for those people deeply.
I wish, one day, for a world where it is safe for people to be who they truly are and love whoever they love.
On that note, I’ve started talking to a woman (and if that woman happens to be reading this – hi! you’re wonderful!). It’s been really interesting to reflect on how gender norms and patriarchy really is alive in the average heterosexual relationship, but that will be another conversation for another day.
My point in sharing this, is to, well, share that part of building a strong relationship with myself is accepting and owning all that I am, which is many things, but also a woman that is interested in both women and men.
And, because that woman I’ve been chatting to said something to me one day that I think I’ll remember for a long time.
I was talking to her about my forest walks and how alive I become in the forest. How I frolic and wander with a child eye’s view of the world. How I get lost watching the quiver of a leaf and the ridges of a tree. How I jump, leap and run when random bursts of energy hit. How I feel like I’ve come home to myself and need nobody but myself. How it teaches me that everything I seek is right inside of me; in front of me; happiness is in the here and now.
After I finished, she looked almost taken aback. She said, “Wow. You have a really amazing relationship with yourself”.
And it was then that I realized all of the work I’ve been doing over the past 4 months to learn how to be the person I felt I needed, was working.
And that, is the value of healing from a breakup without dating.
That, is that value in running towards your fears, instead of throwing a bandaid on them.